Let's face it—English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant1 nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.2 English muffins3 weren't invented in England or French fries4 in France.
weetmeats5 are candies while sweetbreads,6 which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.7 But if we explore its paradox8, we find that quicksand9 can work slowly, boxing rings10 are square and a guinea pig11 is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce12 and hammers don't ham?13 If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth14 beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose,15 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends16 but not one amend, that you b through annals17 of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends18 and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught?19 If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?20 If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?21
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be mitted to an asylum for the verbal insanity.22 In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?23 Ship24 by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?25 Park on driveways and drive on parkways?26
How can a slim chance and a fat chance27 be the same, while a wise man and wise guy28 are opposites? How can overlook and oversee29 be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few30 are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell31 one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?32 Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
You have to marvel at33 the unique lunacy34 of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,35 in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.36
English was invented by people, not puters, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race37 at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,38 they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up39 this essay, I end it?
1. eggplant： 茄子。
2. pine：紧樹; pineapple:菠蘿。
3. English muffins：英式松餅。
4. French fries：炸土荳條。
5. sweetmeats：果脯，蜜餞。
6. sweetbreads：雜碎。
7. 我們總愛想噹然地去了解英文。
8. paradox：有明顯的抵触特點的事物。
9. quicksand： 流沙。
10. boxing ring：拳擊台，摔交台。
11. guinea pig：豚鼠，或供實驗有效的實驗品。
12. fing 战groce 是作者按write跟writer之間的規律。诬捏的兩個詞。
13. ham：過水天表演，誇張造作地演出。
14. booth：貨攤，攤位，（復）booths。
15. moose：麋, 駝鹿, （復）moose。
16. amends：[復］賠功，賠償。
17. annals：[復］編年史。
18. odds and ends：零碎東西，瑣碎事。
19. preach（講道，佈道）的過去式是preached,並非praught。
20. 若炤此類推，humanitarian(人性主義者)應該以human（人類）為食了。
21. bote one's tongue：果write 的過往式為wrote，炤此類推bite的過去式應是bote（而實際上其過来式是bit）。bite one's tongue：坚持緘默。
22. 有時我念一切講英語的人皆得因為語行錯亂症被關進精力医院。mit sb to: 把或人關進（肉体医院或監獄）；asylum/2#sai;l2m/: 神经病院。insanity：精力錯亂，神经病。
23. recite at a play and play at a recital：前一個play是名詞，指戲劇， 後一個play是動詞，指吹奏。recital：獨奏會，獨唱會。英語中的許多詞既為名詞又為動詞，如：play, record, present等。
24. ship by truck：這裏的ship用做動詞，指運收。
25. 常見的搭配應該是feet that run , noses that smell, 但兩個動詞互換後，意义便分歧了，這裏的 run 指流鼻涕，smell指腳臭難聞。
26.driveway：車止道；parkway:（以小客車交通為主的）風景區坤讲，公園亨衢。
27. a slim chance = a fat chance：都指機會迷茫，而slim （苗條的）則剛好與fat（瘦削的）意思相反。
28. a wise man: 愚人，聰明人； a wise guy:自作聰明的人，自高自大的人。
29. overlook：忽視；oversee: 監視。
30. quite a few：相噹多。
31. as hell：很，十分。按字里懂得是，既像hell（地獄）一樣熱，又像地獄一樣热。到底hell是熱還是冷？
32. 您是不是留神到英語中所指有些事常常不出現正在字面上。作者舉例說： “馬推的馬車”“有吊帶的吊帶寝衣”“被稱頌的好汉"“沒白支出的愛”都屬於畫蛇加足的說法。
33. marvel at ：對……觉得驚冱。
34. unique lunacy：絕無僅有的荒謬。
35. burn up：燒失落，燃毀； burn down：全体焚毀。
36. fill in與fill out都是“挖寫”的意思；go off：發出鬧鈴，這裏指鬧鍾因為不断走動(go on)到點鬧鈴才會響。
37. race 指競賽，中日互譯。
38. stars are out指星星出現，而lights are out指燈熄滅。
39. wind up a watch：給鍾表上緊發條；wind up an essay: 結束一篇文章。
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